List #5 - I promise Emma is cool with this and in fact asked me to put this up SO NAH

I took this from a vaguely project-y writing exercise I've just started: my own, generally unpublicised, version of Richard Herring's excellent Warming Up.  It wasn't written well, given I wrote it at about 2am. Nor is it really written for anyone but me to read, but effort to rewrite - so at the moment it's an odd cross between, like, Robert Louis Stevenson and Charlie Brooker... But obviously that doesn't apply to the frankly rubbish list which is 100% tired Laing puerility:

At Chappers' party, Emma had a story. Emma had Shiv's story. Juicy gossip attracts Gemma Inglis and myself as if moths to artificial light, yet Emma would not budge. Eventually, we extracted some small pleasure by spreading the TOTALLY TRUE rumour that Emma bloodthirsty Brooking and Shivan shitting Handa have been known to, on occasion, become involved with pleasures of the anal variety; an absolute fact the sordid pair somehow derive pleasure from. From now on, I am to greet and refer to Emma only as thus:

- dirty bottom; or
- sticky passage ; or
- spunk seat ; or
- cheeked botty ; or
- soiled buttock ; or
- perved pads ; or
- ejaculate ass ; or
- dodgy derriere

And I hope she learns the hole of her lesson.