Friday, 4 May 2012

Writing - poetry #2

Afternoon all, hope you're well. You may remember this post, a month ago, in which I shared an upbeat little ditty about two of the world's oldest professions. Today, something a little more dark.


Sonnet no.1

Burn each and every member of the flock
Before the black bird swoops and takes his prey
(The most easy of these: those numbed by shock,
The rest blinded or taken in affray).
But he swoops, he dives, he eats my insides
And blood drips as we crow, his beak a key
That opens me. Again, I watch him glide
I’d rather drift, a pyre out at sea.
It seems smoking him out has no effect
So now it is my chest where he resides –
Jailed by ribs, they can take all his pecks
With his tongue I have no need to comply.
Now after so long abusing my pen
All of my words shall become mine again.


  1. Finally, somebody who writes poetry I like!
    I would follow this if it was a Tumblr, take that as you might.
    I particularly like your dark imagery, a tone that works well with your vocalisation of the poem. One thing to watch out for (I'm sorry, my English Literaryness has to call it) is at points though you stick well to the iambic pentameter of the Shakespearean sonnet, for me the rhythm dropped a little (such as the line 'The rest blinded or taken in affray'). You might consider having an extra syllable?
    However, this is me at my most critical, and it was a joy to find poetry I don't hate, and actually liked!
    Goodness, this comment is long. All in all, good going JL! x

    1. Thank you so much! Hmm, I'll think about the extra syllable thing, cheers for that, will probably need sorting if I wanted to put a form of this anywhere else.

      You're so kind, love you MJ xx

  2. This is lovely Jamie. Were you going for a strict Shakespearean sonnet? I've studied so many bloody sonnets now and they seem to be fairly formally lenient in a lot of ways (though obviously sticking with the basic rules!). Trickster sonnets get me every time, sneaky.

    1. Too kind! Well if I'm a hundred percent honest with you, I'm not entirely sure about this form - I stuck to 10 sybs, 14 lines, 9th line change of tack(or whatever you'd call it), and a basic ABABCDCDEFEFGG rhyme scheme.

      Do you mean trickster as in the bird as a mythological trickster or the sonnet as a pull-back reveal? xx

  3. ....This sounded unbelievably sexual to me.

    Therefore, I fucking loved it.

    (I blame my recent Freudian essay for my polluted mind...)

    1. Let's hope that was just my super sexy reading voice, eh? I'm such a stud, me.
      (If not then one can only assume you think my protagonist to be a rapist. Charming)

      I joke, I joke - thanks lots you dirty-minded sauce-bag xx

  4. ooh, I hope this doesn't sound like a cliche, but this really reminds me of Poe's 'The Raven'.

    1. Well I certainly am very late to this! I haven't read The Raven but I will try to. Thank you, though - very flattering to have Poe even mentioned here x


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